A Legacy

Fun, laughter, happiness, smiles, stories, conversation, togetherness, sadness, grief, mourning and acceptance are just a few of the words I will use to describe this past week.

On October 20th we loaded up the truck and camper and drove to the lake with several members of the family. We had such a good time. We played cards and dominoes, ate meals together, carved a few pumpkins, roasted marshmellows, enjoyed the beautiful view of the lake, shared stories and had many meaningful conversations. When we arrived home I told Russ that this particular camping trip had been my favorite thus far. I didnt know if it was the combination of beautiful weather, Analayne being old enough to truly enjoy herself, or if it was just the "connectedness" I felt with each member of the family that had been present. Quite possibly it was all of these factors.

When we arrived back home the following Monday, we said good-bye to family and drove to our house to begin the laborous afternoon of unpacking, cleaning things up etc. However, around 8:45 Russ's cell phone rang, his brother was calling to share some very bad news. Russ's granddaddy had died. We were shocked. Literally 7 hours earlier we had stood in his driveway hugging and saying good-bye. I thought to myself, how could this be? We had just had such a great time together. On Tuesday while Russ was with his family handling some arrangements, I sat at home filled to the brim with emotions. While Analayne was napping (thank goodness she slept for almost 2 hours) I tried my best to gather my thoughts and I wrote (that is what deep thinkers with an inclination towards writing do...) below is some of what I wrote. I think it describes my feelings best.

I am a writer. In most instances I am able to get my feelings out on paper better than in words and in the midst of sadness, this is no exception. I first met granddaddy when I began dating Russ. Even from the earliest point in my relationship with Russ, I was told about Granddaddy. Russ told me about the many experiences he had already shared with his granddaddy, such as camping trips, working on cars, tales about a truck, and fishing excursions...just to name a few. I knew those were sacred times. I knew from the intensity of the words, the non-verbal cues, and Russ’s body language that when he spoke about his granddaddy he felt loved and cherished every experience, conversation and moment of laughter he shared with this special man. I knew that Granddaddy was rock solid to Russ. I knew that there was nothing that would ever stand in the way of the relationship that they shared.

As time progressed and as Russ and I eventually married, I too experienced Granddaddy’s genuine and true loving nature. He was intentional in his actions and unconditional in the way he loved. Granddaddy accepted me and it was clear that I had nothing to prove. Granddaddy knew that I loved his grandson and that was all that he ever expected. He knew that I was as genuine in my love for Russ as he was towards Granny. Once Analayne was born he fell in love with her too. There was never a time that I don’t recall pulling up in the driveway, barely getting my vehicle in “park” before Granddaddy appeared at Analayne’s door ready to carry her into the house. He loved for her to sit in his lap. You could see the charm in his eyes when Analayne would read him books about llamas or horses. Just about a month or so ago, Analayne began yelling out “Gannnnieee, Ganddaddy” (most recently the name had changed to Pap). If we ever drove past the intersection that led to their house and did not stop, she would let us know about it. She loved going to their house. She loved that he would hold her up high and let her look at the birdhouses and wind chimes. She loved that Granny and Granddaddy would let her stomp in their leaves and run through their flower beds, never once becoming annoyed or complaining that she could be handful.

Granddaddy loved fairly. He never played favorites. I always admired that about him. What he did for one, he would be willing to do for all. He was never manipulative and he was always sacrificial. He would give you the shirt off his back if he knew it would help. I always loved the impromptu conversations that I would share with Granddaddy and Granny when I was at their home. I could trust them. I could always be “real” with them. I always felt welcome in their home. I could come right on in, kick my feet up, grab a pack of crackers or chocolate covered raisins and make myself at home. There are very few people that create this level of comfort for their guests but they managed to do this not only for me but for everyone.

I must say that Granddaddy was the most loving grandfather figure I have ever had the opportunity to be around. My mother’s dad was killed in a zinc mine before I was born and my father’s dad has always been distant and stern with his grandchildren, which makes it very difficult to ever establish a deep relationship. The experience to develop this unique grand-father/grand-daughter relationship has been such a thrill to me. About two years ago, after Russ finished school at Nashville Auto Diesel, I wrote a letter to Granddaddy. It was the first time I had ever “gone out on a limb” and shared some of my deepest thoughts and gratitude with someone other than Russ or my parents. I am so thankful that I did that. I am so thankful that I was able to reveal my transparency in the form of written words on paper. Russ mentioned to me last night that he wished he had done more. He wished he had given him one last hug and told him that he loved him one last time before we drove away upon returning from the lake. I reminded Russ that he was holding Analayne and that Analayne was giving out the hugs and kisses, but deep inside I knew what Russ meant. There is always that normal, retrospective desire to go back and do something differently. We would all probably have done something differently if we had known what was to come. I doubt that Russ knew that I wrote that letter to Granddaddy. However, as my dear sweet husband wrestles with the emotions of wishing he could go back and tell his granddaddy one more time how special and important he was, I want Russ to know that Granddaddy already knew it. He knew it from all previous actions and words. However, Russ should not ever feel that his granddaddy didn’t know how special he was to Russ. I made sure that I wrote about that in the letter.

Today, I feel so very sad. Selfishly, I am sad that my dear sweet husband will no longer get to spend countless hours working, talking and “playing” in the barn with his precious granddaddy. I am sad that we just experienced the last camping trip weekend with granddaddy. I am sad that Analayne has already read him his very last book. I am sad that Granny has lost her husband. I am sad that Mike and Mary have lost their daddy. I am sad that all the grand children and great grand children have lost their granddaddy, or Pap as many called him. I am sad. I know that he is sitting at Jesus’s feet right now and I should be happy that he can now enjoy heaven. However, selfishly I don’t feel anything other than sadness. Granddaddy will be missed by so many. There will definitely be a void that no human being will ever be able to fill. Granddaddy was loved by so many and will be greatly missed.

Though it has been a very difficult week we share a happiness that granddaddy is in heaven and that he never had to suffer a long and painful death. Granddaddy meant so much to everyone and he left a legacy! Posted below are some of the pictures taken during the weekend camping trip that we shared with him.